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Best Business Jokes

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Compilation 7 Compilation 8 Compilation 9 Mixed Messages Compilation 10 Uplifting Message

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A group of condemned men are offered a final wish before the firing squad. The Frenchman wants to sing the Marseillaise - and is shot; the German a final meal of sauerkraut - and is shot; The Belgian asks if he may make one last attempt to explain the European principle of subsidiarity - at which point the Englishman asks if he could please be shot before the Belgian

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It comes bundled with the Operating System software

3 Biggest Software Lies:
- The program's fully tested and bug-free.
- We're working on the documentation.
- Of course we can modify it.

3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:
- As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any

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- We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
- The new machine is on order.

1. Software engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room.
2. Systems engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room in which there is no cat.
3. Knowledge engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room where there is no cat and someone yells, "I got it!".

3 Biggest Hardware Lies:
- We always design for testability.
- It worked fine on the prototype board.
- That would be much easier to implement in software.



Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands'
performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works
as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy
before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He
likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works
for Microsoft.

He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's
going to be when I get it."



"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today?
Today is a gift. That's why we call it The Present."

'Twas the night before implementation and all through the house,
Not a program was working, not even a browse.

The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
With Hopes that a miracle soon would be there.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads

When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but Super Programmer (with a six pack of beer).

His resume glowed with experience so rare,
He turned out great code with bit-usher flair.

More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

On Update, on Add, on Inquiry, on Delete,
On Batch Jobs, on Closing, on Functions complete,

His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean. B From weekends and nights in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye, and a twitch of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code, and then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger upon the <enter> key,
He brought it all up and it worked perfectly.

The updates updated, the deletes, they deleted;
The inquires inquired and closing completed.

He tested each whistle, he tested each bell,
With nary an abend, all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
The clients' last changes were even included.

Yet the clients exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
It's just what we asked for but not what we want!


3 Biggest Large Company Lies:
- We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
- People are our greatest resource.
- We say 'let the marketplace decide'.

3 Biggest Small Company Lies:
- We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
- The boss is just one of the guys.
- Staying small is a conscious decision.


3 Biggest Executive Lies:
-'s just a score card.
- If it were up to me, there'd be no assigned parking spaces.
- You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.



3 Biggest Marketing Lies:
- Immediate delivery?...No problem.
- We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
- We're going out to lunch to talk business.


3 Biggest Business School Professor's Lies:
- Someday this course will come in handy.
- These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.
- This is the way they do it in industry.


So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a
sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight
without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so angry that he throws the bird into the
freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"


NASA was interviewing applicants from a single company to be sent to Jupiter. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, from HR, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to Harvard."

The next applicant, from operations, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was from marketing. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The marketeer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million,
and we'll send the guy from HR.


On the 12th day of the Euro-centrically imposed midwinter festival, my
potential-acquaintance-significant -other gave to me,

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.

ELEVEN pipers piping
(plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing
of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract
even though they will not be asked to play a note...)

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen non human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic

(NOTE: after member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to
throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and
partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid
further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has
been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.


3 Biggest Marketing Lies:
- Immediate delivery?...No problem.
- We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
- We're going out to lunch to talk business.


3 Biggest Business School Professor's Lies:
- Someday this course will come in handy.
- These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.
- This is the way they do it in industry.



According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are
"unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male
repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their
Business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing
article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in
the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

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Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the hold-up man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant.
She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another
teller was given a hold-up note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Coon., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.


4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon."

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.

6. Don't advertise. A hold-up man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains. Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber,
while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

Please e-mail us any of your favourite jokes you would like included here

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Copyright Pentacle1997 Eddie Obeng 1994 All rights reserved

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