BEST BUSINESS JOKES
Business Models and About us and how we work .
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It doesn't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop digging.
A day without sunshine is . . . night.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
The phone rings at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. A passing person answers, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed CEO swanks around in."
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
"Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No," said the person.
"It is the so-called fat-arsed CEO you so insubordinately referred to."
"Well, do you know who you are talking to?"
"No," roared the CEO.
"Well thank goodness for that," said the quick thinking person slamming the phone down.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was. Always drink upstream from the herd. Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.
- you ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are
- you decide to reorganise your family into a 'team-based organisation'
- you think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don't know
- you believe you never have any problems in your life, just 'issues' and 'improvement opportunities'
- you explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as 'highly leveraged' as opposed to 'in debt'
- you can explain the difference between 'down-sizing', 'right-sizing', and 'firing people's arses' and you actually believe your explanation
- you can spell 'paradigm' and you actually know what a paradigm is.
- You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
- Bet you I can go a week without saying 'synergy' or 'value-added'.
- How about paying us based on the success of the project?
- This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
- Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
- I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
- Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
- I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
- The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
- Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.
A husband is calling his home from work when a strange woman answers the phone. He asks, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Oh. Well this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone, whom I just naturally figured was her husband."
He'd always suspected, but now it was confirmed.
"Listen," he said to the maid, "would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den. Then, I want you to shoot that lying, cheating wife of mine AND the son-of-a-bitch she's with."
"I'm as serious as a £$%^&*(*&^ heart attack!"
The maid set the phone down. The husband hears footsteps, followed by gunshots.
After a moment, the maid returns to the phone and asks, "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them both into the pool."
"Is this 943-4821?"
Remember half the people you know are below average. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
- If you start thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
- The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
- Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
- Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably much bigger than you think.
- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
- Invoices travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
LEADING IN THE FOG
Never miss a good chance to shut up. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
COMMUNICATING WITH STAKEHOLDERS
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aeroplane..." "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the aeroplane." Heard after a very hard landing: "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!" On a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
And from the pilot "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying with us. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop, a voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!" "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
Most of the jokes in this compilation are courtesy of Keith Still
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